Projections and Identifiers: "You can't...You should...You are"

Lately, flooded with memories of messages from childhood, infused with identifiers of what I could not do, what I should do, and who/what I am.

"You can't spell."

"You can't write."

"You can't read."

"You don't get math as fast as..."

"You should take the easy classes..."

"Here's the teacher's edition with the answers to make it easier for you."

"You are slouching! Stand up straight! Suck in your gut! Look confident!"

"You're so 'sweet,' so kind."

"You're lazy...you won't amount to anything."

"You should be an insurance salesman."

"You look good."

"You should go outside and practice basketball--stop sitting in the house playing the piano with that 'fat [racial slur] woman!"

"If it weren't for these damn kids..." 

"Don't trust anyone."

"You will respect me!!!" 

"You're too sensitive."

"Be a man!"

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Others' projections? Mostly.

Identifiers? Not necessarily.

Take care of problem and keep walking

I easily conjure up lofty ideals about what it means to walk a spiritual path. These fantasies are nurtured by a spiritual industry that offers tantalizing retreats and other products promising happiness and liberation. These marketed commodities interface with my constructed ideas of a successful spiritual life, perhaps one characterized by "daily practice" or an unwavering awareness of "big ideas" such as transformation...consciousness...non-duality...In terms of an authentic spiritual life, these notions are delusions. They are bull shit.

Zen teachings offer the reminder that practice is action in daily life: Taking care of what needs attention when it needs attention. Taking action fully without expecting a particular result or reward. Tending to problems as they arise without attaching to a preferred outcome.
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So how can we know the state of "the self prior to our parents' birth," or thusness or what-is-just-is-of-itself? This is a big question, a big project for us to research. The best way to do this research is just to sit down and do zazen, and let the flower of life force bloom in thusness. That is all we can do. Nothing else. In other words, whatever problem we have, we have to take care of it and constantly keep walking. (Katagiri, 1988, p. 54. From Returning to Silence: Zen Practice in Daily Life)

How much is enough: Consumer

The second awakening is to know how much is enough...If you want to be free from suffering, you should contemplate knowing how much is enough.  (From Dogen's Eight Awakening of Great Beings)

Immersed in a culture of acquisition and consumption, capitalism turns everything into commodities that can be acquired, bought and sold. In this context, humans are primarily defined as Consumers, valued for what we produce and consume. Billions of dollars are spent on ads to manipulate desires and fears with the promise of satisfaction if we just buy this item, or attain this symbol of success.

Living out how much is enough is radical in any place and time: It's always going against the grain of dissatisfaction that's inherent in the human condition. However, in a context where everything is translated into objects of consumption, the teaching itself is easily perverted: It too becomes a commodity. Thus, the challenge to enact how much is enough in these conditions should not be underestimated. 

Covid-19: Pause

In the book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach says the first step in this practice is learning to pause. She defines pause as a "suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal." (p. 51.)  This, she explains, allows us to be fully present, attentive, and listen.

Covid-19, with its disruption to our culture of consumerism and frantic activity, provides an opportunity to pause. I am grateful for the space to pay more attention to areas of life that matter most, even as I navigate the pandemic's stress and uncertainty while trying to keep up with my job and other responsibilities. I'm biking with my 17-year-old son. Sitting zazen with practitioners in Anchorage and Portland in the early morning hours via Zoom. Taking daily walks through the neighborhood and woods behind our house, sometimes accompanied by my wife or one of the children. Playing guitar and singing with my daughter as she learns to sing alto on old Southern Gospel hymns that I sang as a child...

Pause.

Know how much is enough: Confidence

Reading Dogen's Eight Awakenings of Great Beings. Today, I read the second one: "Know how much is enough." Speaks to a ground of being that is content, not "constantly pulled by the five sense desires and pitied by those who know how much is enough."

A word that comes to mind is confidence. Not arrogance or certainty but the embodiment of trust in what matters most.

Social Justice: Message and Delivery

Yesterday at a conference I'm attending in Portland, I sat through a three hour session led by a professor and advocate for social justice. Her critique of the current state of affairs resonated: Neoliberalism has taken over higher education and the same dehumanizing ideology in the mainstream P-12 educational system destroys human spirits. However, the relevance of her message was eclipsed by her visibly angry, patronizing, and judgmental delivery that came through in "mini lectures" and in the way she offensively criticized participants who spoke up during the discussion parts of the session.

I do not question her sincerity or the importance of her message, but the delivery reminded me of a Donald Trump rant rather than an informative, thoughtful, and provocative message about such an important and timely issue. Interestingly, more than once as I read the pre-conference article that she authored and during her live presentation, the thought crossed my mind that she is doing exactly what she is criticizing the oppressors of doing: She is presenting a dogmatic, simplistic dualism that places participants in a position of having to choose between a commitment to social justice based on her point of view or remain in the safety of their unearned privilege. There was no space for respectful dialogue, different perspectives, dissent, or the complexities of dispositions and development related to individuals' commitments to social justice.

The presentation prompted a several questions as I consider my personal engagement in social justice work and the approach of broader movement. For instance,

• What is the goal in these types of presentations? Is it to unveil what is going on and invite others to share in the struggle for social justice? Is it to shame people from privileged positions? Or is it to voice one's own unresolved, internal anger and hurt? 

• To what extent has the presenter--the advocate--done his or her own work? By work, I mean the internal work related to positionality, privilege, and the emotions related to these parts of our experiences and identity. I would dare to bet that the extent of effectiveness is directly correlated with the extent to which one has processed his or her own issues, reactions, and identities related to these themes.

• In what way does the presentation create unnecessary defensiveness and resistance? I realize there are folks who do not want to see their personal privilege or the ways the "system" benefit them at others' expense. I'm not referring to these individuals, although they too need to hear the message. Rather, I'm referring to folks already committed to social justice, who see how structural issues create and perpetuate injustices and want to make a difference. The presentation yesterday unnecessarily dismissed and marginalized many of these people. 

• What role might contemplative approaches play in creating the conditions for individual and social transformation? I think we have to go deeper, look beneath the surface and consider what it takes to change from the inside out while also emphasizing and never losing touch with the necessity for real life, on the ground action. This work is not about mind games or generating warm and fuzzy feelings. Instead, it is about facing intense suffering and taking actions that relieve suffering at the individual and collective levels. 

Summer Morning: Friday, June 3, 2016

Snapshot of this morning. Eva on couch reading Pirateology. Annette painting Zena's fingernails. Asa just beginning to stir. I am working on writing project at home before heading to office. Summer morning.